Fri Feb 8, 2019
7:30am
Empty. That is what I feel.
Of course last weekend I messed everything up (food wise)
and today I am sitting at 244. That’s a pretty high weight.
At the same time my mind is consumed. I am happy but
there are things I want. Things that will never be if I don’t change certain
things. The trouble is that I am not altogether sure that I am worth what I
want. Does someone who looks like me, has my background, and seriously cannot
demonstrate any willpower deserve to be completely happy?
Change is the other. It was pointed out to me (again)
that I don’t do change, I have made some progress here but if I do decide to go
after what I think I may be worth,
major major change would take place. This is all of course to do with Jesse and
to some degree my job.
Jesse is my best friend, I can count on him to be there.
But some aspects of our relationship are stagnant and while I am sure that can
change (if he so chooses), there are parts that never will. We will always be
what we are now. Some days it’s enough, and really I am lucky, I know I am
loved, I know that he needs me…….what more does someone of 244lbs expect?
I have said (for years, over and over) that I will just
focus on myself and the rest will work out one way or another. I never work on
myself though, I just keep getting fatter and fatter. Jesse plans to have a
pizza in the car when he picks me up from work today. How do I summon the strength
to leave it alone, how do I justify eating any of it??? The pendulum swings and
I find myself wanting to just let go and fly off.
My job, I am miserable. I have to force myself every
morning to come here and often tears are involved. I really hate it here. My
office mate is getting a new job and another girl is moving in, and I am really
not looking forward to it. The workload is intense and I feel……..replaceable.
Jesse will be out all weekend, this is a good thing. I need
the space. Maybe I can just fill my weekend with baking to keep me busy. I
really don’t want another weekend where I just eat and relax, I can’t afford
it. If change is what I want then it really needs to start with me, maybe this
time will be different. Famous last words.
Stay warm, its cold as shit here and snowing.
Hey lovely 😊 Sorry I’ve been AWOL. I just caught up on your posts this week.
ReplyDeleteI hate that you’re struggling so much. You do deserve to be happy. Please don’t lose sight of how hard you’re working yourself right now, and sometimes we all need a break so we don’t burn out.
Alcohol can be a killer. I gained so much from drinking these past few years, I hate it. I’ve been cutting back though, and am down 10kg since June/July just from cutting down on the booze. Maybe try to find a light wine? I’ve seen quite a few, even Weight Watchers approved ones. Kind of like light beer. It just doesn’t have the same alcohol content as normal wine.
Your baking skills still blow me away. Everything you post is just amazing.
I hope you’re doing okay. Update again soon <3
xx