Boots, Beads, and Blubbering

Thurs Sep 21, 2017
1:15pm

Last entry: yesterday

Last night was a big ol’ pity party at the Lardass residence. Are you sad you didn’t get an invite? You are, aren’t you.

We went tall boot shopping right after work, we hit a different Walmart first as we needed a couple of other things. I tried on a pair of “normal” boots and could not zip them up, this after getting a different pair on just fine the day before. Cue tears right there in the Walmart, Jesse looks so sad and I am an embarrassment. He convinces me to try the Show Company, so off we go, I am blubbering and thinking that I am such a jerk (poor poor pitiful me). The first pair doesn’t fit and I am ready now to just go home, he tells me to try this other pair and low and behold they fit, with room for jeans even. WTF. Sadly I looked at the price of these boots (150) and said fuck that.

I will wear the perfectly good pair of tall boots I have at home, I got them in the spring from Torrid (a fat people store), I spent 80$ on them and the only thing wrong is that they are big. Well so what, I can wear big clothes; I haven’t lost enough to warrant any big wardrobe changes. And how stupid of me to think that someone over 200lbs could fit into normal boots!

I tried so hard not to let it get me down, still today but I just can’t. I am SO angry at myself. I have been thinking about all of the time I wasted this summer, eating fries and burgers and chips and you name it. Everything I’ve eaten has drifted through my brain and it just wasn’t worth it. Had I stuck to my restriction I would be 20lbs lighter. But no, here I am, still over 200.

V came over last night to visit so I didn’t get to do my yoga. I will always take a visit from V; she is the best of friends and always makes me feel better. I did have 2 glasses of wine and when I started to feel fuzzy I panicked and ate a baked potato. I really don’t like feeling drunk, I worry that I might get sick (emetophobia) and so when I feel the booze I try to eat to make the feeling go away (one would think that I simply wouldn’t drink). I am alright with the potato, it was just a small one, only 113g (I weigh everything I can) so that was 152cals and 3 g of fat, I eat it cold with salt, so so good.

So that brings us to Lardass’s intake and weight:

Intake for yesterday was: 712 cals and 29g of fat (far too much fat, damned tortilla chips)

Weight today is 213lbs (2lbs down)

I got my period today which is nice because I have been PMS’ing like a fiend but it sucks because this effectively puts me “out of service” for my birthday. My periods are a whopping 8 days long (FML). But really, who cares. I can have sex any old time; I put so much importance on sex at certain times – anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas etc. I need to stop. It isn’t that important and really, I need to cut down on the things that upset me, I have become such a miserable cow.

Funny story for you, I make bracelets, just beading, very basic stuff. 2 of my mom’s bracelets broke and so she gave them to me to fix. It’s been a while since I have beaded so I thought I might be a bit slow but it was SO hard! I just couldn’t thread the stupid teeny tiny beads, the first bracelet took me 30min. and I used to be able to do one in 7 minutes! I left the other one for another day because I was just frustrated. I picked the second one up night before last and thought “just get it over with” and without thinking I picked up the string, clamped on the fastener and started beading, without issue, got about 6 beads threaded and realized “hey, this is super easy” and looked at my hands……..I was using the wrong hands the day before! I am very left hand dominant and so I guess holding the string in my right hand made it near impossible to thread but in my left it’s a walk in the park. Silly, silly Lardass. I was really laughing, which was needed.

This morning my mom unintentionally said something kind of hurtful. We were talking about what I want to do with my Birthday money and I said I want to spend it on apples at the apple fest, she said that’s the silliest thing, I asked her why and she said “because it will go in one end and right out the other and you will have nothing to show for it other than your waistline”. And can we all guess who got all teary eyed and toddlerish? You got it, this Lardass right here. She didn’t mean it in a bad way I am sure, she would be so upset if she knew what it sounded like to me. I should tell her, but blah, I am all emotional anyway and I don’t want to make her feel bad.

My office mate made a great point this morning while I was bitching about the boots, she says I have to quit calling things “fat people stuff”, like diet food, I refer to that as “fat people food” and plus sized clothes are “fat people clothes” and so on. This goes with referring to myself as Lardass, so negative and not at all kind. She is so right, I have to stop doing that, I really do, I have always been self-degrading, maybe it’s time for a change. Easy to say, hard to implement.

I think that I will make a new birthday goal since I won’t be able to achieve my earlier goal which was to be under 200. My birthday is in one week. My new goal will be to get to 209, 210 was my goal for my last trip and I did it but then gained back 10 during said trip. 4lbs in 7 days should be very achievable as long as I don’t fuck it up this weekend. I can do this, I will do this, I will not be a Lardass forever!! 

Gastric Bypass and 1105 calories

Wed Sep 20, 2017
3:00pm

Last entry: yesterday

Last night was ok. I ate way more calories than I wanted to but I still lost a pound so I guess I’ll take it.

Intake for yesterday was 1105cals (FUCK LARDASS!!) and 13g/fat, I weigh 215lbs.

I was so so hungry when I came home so I had a double portion of my rice and then decided it would be a good idea to eat a bloody wagon wheel, fuck. This is why fasting is dangerous for me; I have a nasty tendency to binge the next day. This was no binge and in fact I ate the extra rice to avoid a binge, I just wish that it wasn’t such a battle.

I went out for lunch with some girls here at work today but I wasn’t too bad. I got chips and salsa (I know, not the best thing) because it’s what I always (ALWAYS) get when I go to Moose’s, but this time I ate less than half and let the rest of the table pick at them. I feel very hungry right now so I am not very worried. I will skip dinner because even though I had less than half, there is still a shit ton of fat in those chips, not to mention calories.

M and C did come over last night. I did the beginner yoga with C and it made me feel so good. It showed me that I do have some improvement from when I started. I know that I have gotten more flexible but I forgot the beginner workout, and how it was when I started, doing it now was such a breeze. C had some trouble, she will be doing the beginner one for a while but she had fun, she laughed through it which is exactly what I do, DDP is so fricken funny. She did get stuck at one point on the floor and I had to help lift her up, I am grateful that even though I feel like Shamu, I am not that big, and I didn’t start that big and deconditioned. Thank gawd for small miracles. It was also nice to have someone be excited about it like I am; I love my DDPY so much.

I wonder if C thinks about weight loss surgery. She would qualify for sure. I know that I don’t qualify for gastric bypass but I bet I would for the Lapband. Let me be very clear here though, I do not want either of those things. I know that you still have to work to lose weight after both of those, they are just tools but man, having surgical permanent anorexia is basically what gastric bypass is and that is scary and tempting. With that Lapband, it’s not so final, they get filled and unfilled and even removed. To get around bypass you have to stretch your stomach out and risk a rupture. With the Lapband there comes something delightful called PB’ing (no, not peanut butter as I first thought), that stands for productive burping so basically barfing and I guess “sliming” is also a thing. That sounds awful. There are people who benefit from these things though and that is good, and somedays I wish I could get a band or bypassed, it would certainly help with nights like last night. There is never a binge day when I don’t wish I had something that would make it physically impossible for me to eat, what heaven that would be, but then, on days where my brain is functioning normally (hahaha, as if), I know I don’t want that and that I if I can’t do this on my own, then I must not deserve it, also I never ever want to know what sliming feels like.

What a rambly post this is. Tonight nothing planned except for trying to find me tall boots. I tried some on at the Walmart last night and glory be, they fit! As a Lardass it’s hard to find tall boots that fit over my sizeable calves. Last year was awful, I wasn’t quite big enough to warrant the wide boots but the normal ones were too small. This year the wide ones I wound up with last year are HUGE and there is no way I can wear them so this will be the first time in MANY moons that I can again fit into regular ones. So yeah, a little shop, then home so Jesse can have a nap before he goes off to work (he works 8pm-6am), then yoga, hopefully walk the dog and finish the last season of Outlander.

Wish me luck in not eating the kitchen tonight and thank you for reading my rambles.   

Tess Holliday and Peanut Butter

Tues Sep 19, 2017
1:15pm

Last entry: yesterday

Alright, yesterday was good on the weight loss front. I managed to complete a fast, I did 42 hrs. I made beignets and did my yoga so no sitting down until about 8:30pm.

Intake numbers were: 240cals and 17g of fat. High due to motherfucking peanut butter.

I am down 4lbs from yesterday (216). I am ok with that.

Yoga is really hard to do when empty. I find that my balance is crap. I also don’t feel like I get as much out of it. Makes sense really, your body can’t do much running on fumes but I really needed to have a fast day. I wasn’t going to do the yoga, just some baking and focus on not eating but the guilt got me and I felt like a flabby blob of lipidous nastiness so I did it. Fine except the one legged poses, so much harder when I am empty.

After I was done baking, Jesse wanted to watch a movie so we watch Bad Moms, silly movie. The time with him was so nice, we rarely watch things together as we have such different taste but lately he has been trying to get movies that we can watch together. He is trying and I am grateful. I got panic hungry after the movie though and in my moment of panic I had a peanut butter spoon. Those will be the death of me I swear. I am not counting it as wrecking my fast with the weak ass excuse that because I didn’t chew it, it counts as a liquid. I really have to find a way to keep myself from doing that, it’s so calorie and fat laden, not good for Lardass. Something to work on.

So far today I have had my chicory (awful coffee substitute drink) and my frozen green beans so that’s 90cals and 1g of fat. Dinner will be my rice (350 cals/3 g of fat) and then yoga. We have M and C coming over after dinner. C wants to try my yoga with me and that should be interesting. I will do my regular workout before she comes though because she needs to do “Beginner Beginner” which is meant for people who have trouble getting up and down off the floor. C fits that category, she is terribly overweight and has mobility issues and has sadly spent the past 6 months sitting at home on leave from work (her choice, she took a stress leave) and that has made her weight and fitness level much worse than even a year ago. I think it will be motivating to do the yoga with her (as bad as that makes me sound); looking at very large people helps me, not as much as the super skinny girls do, but there is something to be said for reverse motivation.

And there is the other thing – I have given myself some reverse motivation. I had Jesse hang a mirror in the room I do my yoga in and wow, it helps tremendously. I can finally see if I am actually doing the moves correctly but watching my fat rolls squish and jiggle about is really really spurring me on. In my head when I am working out I imagine myself looking like a pro doing the moves all svelte and strong, the mirror brings me back to reality and yeah, that helps. I don’t think I ever knew just how awful I look in certain positions, no wonder I don’t feel sexy. Jesse must be blind as a bat.

My birthday trip is 10 days from now so there is no chance in getting down to 200 by then. That means I will have another fat birthday (or rather a birthday while being Shamu), and this makes me sad. I wanted there to be a marked difference in how I looked from when we were on the island just 3 weeks ago, instead I will be the exact same. Fuck.

Only 9 days until my actual birthday. Birthdays are a lot like New Years to me. A time to reflect back on the year and look forward to the upcoming one. I can’t say that I am super happy about where I am in life at this age (turning 39 next week) but at the same time I am content. I am not married to a scary fuck anymore, my kids are secure and happy, I love my house (I bought it prior to knowing Jesse) and even my job. I do wish I had more money and was more confident in my relationship with Jesse but hey, things will never be perfect. The big looming cloud over me of course is the weight. I just don’t want to look like this but I have been saying that for so long.

 I see all of these body acceptance sites on Instagram and I know that I should be happy for these women. Tess Holliday is a good example; she not only accepts her body but glorifies it. She is very beautiful (face, hair) but I can’t help that knee jerk reaction of “whoa” when I see her pics. She is so very big and not at all what I am used to seeing as a model. I grew up with the glossy ads of women with flat “mom butts” in Levi’s and “cocaine” sized models so this is a transition for my old ass. She revels in her size and tells everyone she is the epitome of health, I don’t see how that can be true. How can you be that big and be healthy. New studies are all looking at this so I guess we will know if it’s actually possible. There is another one on there too, I think her name is Dany and she puts up many pics of herself jiggling around, dancing in her underwear and it’s so…….shocking. On one hand I am jealous of their confidence, I wish that I could see the beauty they do but I just don’t. I see them and think “see Lardass? This is what you look like” and I want to cry. I want to scream “you are everything I want to be” and “you need to stop eating STAT” all at the same time. I am a shitty human. I am a confused old lady and yet I insist on continuing to look at and follow them.

I need to get back to pretending to work, its slow here today.

Wish me luck in sticking to the plan tonight, it’s always so hard for me to keep control after a fast day, my body just wants me to eat and it’s hard to fight. Losing weight is always a battle, no matter how you do it. I think tomorrow I will talk about weight loss surgery, god I want it so bad.

Thanks for reading my ramble, here’s a pic of the beignets I made last night (but didn’t eat a bite of – YES).

I'm Lardass, Nice to Meet Ya!

Monday Sep 18, 2017
8:15am

I have another blog, one that I have been writing in for a couple of years.   

I began to feel guilty about all the personal stuff I had in there, especially about Jesse (my partner). I pondered about what to do and so I decided to make it private and start over with this. The other blog was also very negative and I won’t say that this blog will be full of sunshine and daisies but I will try to keep my bitching at the very least upbeat.

I do refer to myself as Lardass and that is ok. It is not as derogatory as it sounds, if I was the tattoo type I would probably have it tattooed somewhere on me lol.

Between Apr-Jun (this year, 2017) I lost 30lbs. Since Jun I have pretty much stayed the same, going up and down by about 5-10lbs. My start weight was 247 (Shamuuuuu), I am currently 220, which is maddening given I got to 210 in Aug. I need to get this going again.

My Birthday is in 10 days and I really wanted to be under 200 by then. That’s not happening.

To lose weight I am counting calories in my food journal which I keep very detailed info in. I weigh all of my food that comes from home and try to get as close as possible with counts when I eat out (which is rare). I do yoga, but it’s not like your average yoga. It is DDPY and its more cardio, I love it. Its very fun and I like how he yells at me to “STRETCH YEEEAAAAAHHHHH”. I have a cleaning company and so I clean a couple of evenings per week though I am down to just 2 regular clients now. I love to bake and that is how I keep busy on weekends. During the weekdays I am a secretary (at my desk currently), there are 2 girls in my office, one of which I like to think I am close with. She is lovely and I look up to her in a lot of ways. The other is brand new so I don’t know her well yet. I have been in this job for 15 years.

I am hoping to find some readers and get some support and motivation. Hopefully find a “diet buddy” or two.

I will still keep on posting pics and talking about my baking as well (like I would ever stop). I will talk about my personal life but try to shield Jesse like I do my kids, its more fair to him that way.

There are 3 boys, currently 20, 18 and 15. The oldest kid is Jesse’s from a previous woman and the middle and youngest are mine from my marriage. Oldest doesn’t live with us; he is just about to get into his own apartment. Middle kid is looking hard for a job and youngest is in the school play coming up, he has 2 years left until grad. So no little wee kids, for which I am very glad, I am happy to wait now a couple of years for grandkids. I am 38.

I have been divorced for 15 years now; my ex is a mean guy. Jesse has been living with us for over 8 years and we are a bit rocky right now but I do love him so much.

That’s really all there is to me.

I hope you enjoy reading!