Friday Feelings

Fri Feb 8, 2019

7:30am

Empty. That is what I feel.

Of course last weekend I messed everything up (food wise) and today I am sitting at 244. That’s a pretty high weight.

At the same time my mind is consumed. I am happy but there are things I want. Things that will never be if I don’t change certain things. The trouble is that I am not altogether sure that I am worth what I want. Does someone who looks like me, has my background, and seriously cannot demonstrate any willpower deserve to be completely happy?

Change is the other. It was pointed out to me (again) that I don’t do change, I have made some progress here but if I do decide to go after what I think I may be worth, major major change would take place. This is all of course to do with Jesse and to some degree my job.

Jesse is my best friend, I can count on him to be there. But some aspects of our relationship are stagnant and while I am sure that can change (if he so chooses), there are parts that never will. We will always be what we are now. Some days it’s enough, and really I am lucky, I know I am loved, I know that he needs me…….what more does someone of 244lbs expect?

I have said (for years, over and over) that I will just focus on myself and the rest will work out one way or another. I never work on myself though, I just keep getting fatter and fatter. Jesse plans to have a pizza in the car when he picks me up from work today. How do I summon the strength to leave it alone, how do I justify eating any of it??? The pendulum swings and I find myself wanting to just let go and fly off.

My job, I am miserable. I have to force myself every morning to come here and often tears are involved. I really hate it here. My office mate is getting a new job and another girl is moving in, and I am really not looking forward to it. The workload is intense and I feel……..replaceable.

Jesse will be out all weekend, this is a good thing. I need the space. Maybe I can just fill my weekend with baking to keep me busy. I really don’t want another weekend where I just eat and relax, I can’t afford it. If change is what I want then it really needs to start with me, maybe this time will be different. Famous last words.

Stay warm, its cold as shit here and snowing.

Better

Fri Feb 1, 2019

11:15am

Last night went well. I had my diet soup for dinner, then went and cleaned for Janice (I have a cleaning company on the side), then came home and had a wine. I am down to 239lbs which I am ok with, it’s still HUGE but better than what I was at the beginning of the week. Now let’s see if I can be good this weekend and not come back on Monday weighing 250 again!

It shouldn’t be too bad this weekend, we have no plans and the weather is ass so staying home, baking, cleaning, and reading my dad’s memoirs sounds wonderful.

Just wanted to check in, it’s a crazy busy day here at work, luckily I am in a far better mood than yesterday so not such a whiny bitch.

Happy weekend all!

Stuck

Thurs Jan 31, 2019

2:56pm

I didn’t have the noodles or take a nap 2 days ago. I went home and had a salad for dinner after doing some housework so that’s good.

I lost 1lb yesterday and another today, that’s good but I can always lose weight on weekdays, the true test will come this weekend.

I feel like such a failure. With lots of things. For sure with this weight, but also with other aspects of my life.

Work sucks right now, I have way too much work to do, and no one could be expected to handle this workload. My coworker (who I really like) is bored and often can watch TV while here. I run around and feel……invisible, not respected, not enough. I have been at this job for 16 years, at this desk for 12, which is a very long time. There are new people here, younger, but when new work comes it all gets put on me and I don’t get paid enough for that. My coworker is trying for another job and is all happy meanwhile, I am trapped. Yes, I could look for something else but the market is shit and I really really don’t want to take an admin job, I am more of a clinical sort. Stuck by my own choices.

Then there is the home life, I love Jesse but he is never ever going to be what I wanted. I have let lots of that go, but some of the things…..I feel I am worth. There is nothing really bad that I can say, just……well, stuck, again by my own choices.

What a whiny post, what a whiny Lardass. Enough for today.

Convo with a Crazy Bitch and Baking Pics

Tues Jan 29, 2019

11:35am

My brain is messing with me. I have been “dieting” off and on (see the problem yet?) for as long as I can remember. The last time I was quite successful with restriction was well over 8 years ago now. That is when I started gaining. I am now a whale and my brain and body fight me whenever I try to restrict. I have had many measly attempts to lose since then always resulting in gaining it right back. 

It’s not even lunch hour and all I have been thinking about since I got to work is “can I get away with eating crap today”. I know I can’t. I know that if I do then it will be days before I have control back and I will be back to 250 (am 245 today, not much fucking better). But my head is screaming, my body is making me feel sick to try to get me to eat. All of this restrict, then binge, then restrict is making me feel like ass (and look like one too).

I managed to hurt my knee this weekend. I went a little too crazy with my workouts and now my one leg is swollen below the knee and my knee feels oddly numb. This, of course, means that I have taken off the past couple of days from my workouts. What a lazy sham I am. My knee hurts because it has to carry around 250lbs of FAT! I should just work through it. Jesse says that I need to rest it, and not push myself because “you aren’t 20 anymore, the body takes longer to heal now”. I agree with him but in the back of my head its screaming “excuses excuses, you are a Lardass and this is how you stay that way”.

I want a lobotomy…..I wonder how much my brain weighs.

I am very tired. I desperately want to go home, make ramen noodles, turn on a show, and take a nap. The nap part is ok, though not the best thing for a whale to do, but the noodles….. they have a surprisingly high calorie/fat count, not to mention salt. I know that I “shouldn’t”. Part of my head says “just eat the noodles, you are never ever going to lose weight again anyways so why try?” and at the very same time another part says “listening to that voice is why you are a cow, don’t fucking eat”. I feel crazy today.

I will walk to my car from work, we have shuttle busses to take us but it’s only about a 20min. walk. I will do that for sure. When I get home if I really must have something then I can have the plain chicken broth and lie down for a minute. I doubt I will actually sleep, I can only truly sleep during the day if I am sick.

See that? Look what I just did. I just said “if I really must have something...” bitch, why are you letting your body control you? What has it done for you lately that is good? Nothing? Ok then, go home, have a hot cup of tea (herbal and black) and sit on your ass if you must. If I start to feel like I am allowed to eat then I will sort the laundry, if I still want to eat then I will make some cookies to keep in the freezer. I am able (oddly) to leave my baking alone, the one thing that I seem to be able to control (food wise).

I do love baking. In fact I did some baking last night. I made jelly filled powdered donuts for my dad (along with an apple pie which I made this weekend). Here are some pics:

I hope whomever is reading this is in a better place than I am today. Let’s see how good I can be tonight.

Big Fat Failure

Mon Jan 28, 2019

11:34am

Failure. That is the roll I played all weekend.

Everything feels wrong today. Maybe it’s because I spent the weekend justifying eating shit that I shouldn’t have. I use Jesse as an excuse to eat, that needs to stop. Work sucks, my dryer is broken and a new one won’t come for about 2 weeks, my favorite coworker might be leaving, and its only Monday.

The weight definitely gave this morning a bad start, I am such a sillydumbbitch. It’s like I forget what a manatee I am on weekends, then Monday comes and I realize what I have done all weekend and am so…..pissed? Broken? Disappointed? This must be what a binge drinker feels like.

I ate so much crap that I feel like crap. My body must be so confused, starve, eat, starve, eat. JUST PICK ONE LARDASS!!

I don’t have anything positive to say today so we will just end it here. Fuck Mondays.

Fish Burgers and Curly Fries

Fri Jan 25, 2019

12:30pm

It happened just like I said it would. I am up 1lb so today I weigh in at 242lbs (GROSS), and I am feeling like a big fat failure.

The total cals for yesterday was high, 917.

Despite this being high, I am slightly proud. There were fries and fish sticks in my kitchen and I didn’t touch one. I really really wanted to binge. Instead I calmed myself, looked in the mirror and had popcorn. Not the best snack I know, but better than herb and garlic potato wedges which is what I wanted.

I really find that the mirror is my best tool. Nothing like looking at all of the extra fat all lumpy all over myself to ruin an appetite. I will keep this trick, it really helps me.

I am worried about tonight though. It is date night with Jesse. We were supposed to have this date night last weekend but we ended up at my nephew’s hockey game and then went to Montana’s with my family. Tonight both the boys will be gone so Jesse wants to make our fun dinner (the one we were to have last weekend) and watch movies on Netflix. Sounds divine doesn’t it?  Of course the dinner is the problem. Fish burgers and curly fries. I have already looked up the calorie count and it should be roughly 600cals for the burger (with bun and toppings) and then curly fries will be 300cals for 100g. I will need to weigh the fries. Jesse also got us these frozen cheesecake bites (god help me) and he is so excited.

I am really craving this dinner. It has sounded good since last week and my mouth practically waters just thinking about it. I am SO hungry right now, still haven’t touched the crackers and nuts from mom (which she dropped off here at work earlier this week) but I did eat the 2 babybell cheeses. This does not bode well. All of this – unreasonable hunger, looking so forward to dinner etc. is all indicative of an impending binge. I can feel it. It is so hard right now not to eat the crackers and nuts. I have written the calorie count right on the bags and that has kept me away thus far.

I have planned to do a good step workout after work (on my new step yay), but first we have to take the youngest kid to the mall, then hit the grocery store. By the time we get home it will be close to 5 and by then I will be seriously hungry. It will be so tempting to come home and just cook and sit on my butt with Jesse. He certainly would love that. There is nothing that I can do (baring not eating) to keep my calorie count low today (especially given I am already at 277cals, fucking cheese), so it’s imperative that I work out.

Jesse is supportive of whatever I want to do. I know that I could go home and say “I am not eating fish burgers tonight, I am having diet food” and he would be ok. But I know he would be sad. He enjoys spending time with me and having “fun food”. I don’t want to disappoint him. I will just have to force myself to do the step workout and workout double tomorrow (also cut my cals in half to make up for tonight). Yeah, maybe if I keep my calories super low tomorrow then I won’t feel like such a failure.

Am I just using Jesse as an excuse to eat? Sure feels like it. Fuck. I really will never be pretty if I keep this up. Maybe I should modify, have the burger without the bun (the bun is higher cal than the fish) and no cheese (like I need it) and I can just skip the fries altogether. One little piece of dessert. I just need to make Jesse feel like I am joining him. I can eat very slowly and just cut the portion right down. I will do my best. I can do this, I have to do this. No one wants to be a Lardass, I need to be defined by something other than this huge, nasty, gut of mine.

Weekends are so hard for dieting for me.

Biscuit Lies

Thursday Jan 24, 2019

12:25pm

Yesterday went very well food and exercise wise. I managed to do 30min of yoga then 45min of Zumba. My total calories for the day were 620. That makes me happy but I found out something last night that rather pissed me off.

Years ago (2005 to be exact), I read this ana blog that had a recipe for these diet biscuits. They are super simple, 1c flour, 1c unsweetened apple sauce, 1TBSP of baking powder, mix and bake. She said that one of these had only 46 calories in it. So I have been making them for years, counting one as 50cals. Last night I decided I wanted to be very precise and so I looked up the ingredients and added it all together…..600 calories for the whole batch which is about 150-200cals for 1, not 50. I feel cheated. I feel dumb. I should have checked myself. Maybe she was using a different kind of flour? End result is that my beloved biscuits are no longer the option they were. 1 piece of bread has less calories, so why make the biscuits. I honestly feel sad about this, I love those damned things. I would often put mustard and mushrooms, or salsa and mushrooms (I eat mushrooms with most everything) in the batter and that made the best meal. But 600 is way too high. Fucking hell, and fucking Lardass for not checking sooner.

Was very proud of my workouts last night. I really didn’t want to do my yoga, like really really. One close look in the mirror got me motivated to get downstairs and I nailed my yoga, but when it was done I didn’t feel like I had sweat enough so I did my Zumba and ended up having a much longer workout. Way to go fatty! It’s good to remember how accomplished I feel when I work out on a day that I don’t feel like it, like I have overcome something.

Will have to be careful tonight. My weight this morning was 241lbs. That is 10lbs down in 2 days, so I know its water and I also know I am likely to gain today no matter what I do (stupid water weight). I am telling myself its ok, you know 10lbs in 48 hrs. isn’t real fat loss, as long as I don’t go back to 250 its ok, but I know that I will be disappointed with myself tomorrow if there is no loss. I am completely unreasonable.

Busy at work today, I am not enjoying my job lately. There will be a new girl coming into my office and that will change the dynamics of my office. Currently it’s just me and C, she is awesome. I really look up to her, she is very compassionate and kind. We have had it lovely just the two of us and now we have this other girl coming and our office won’t be the same. I don’t do well with change and really loved my office with just us. We knew it was coming and this girl is supposed to be helping me (that’s great), but still, I will mourn our lovely office space. I do need some help though, I have a bigger workload than any other girls on my floor and I am too old and senior for that. Shouldn’t my workload be slowing down? It’s been 16 years and they just keep adding to my plate. At least I have a job and I ought to quit bitching.  

Ok, I have some work to do, lives to save and all that. Thanks for reading and wish me luck in not eating the Doritos that are currently in my pantry (kids thought they were being nice getting me chips, sweet stupid boys, I love them).

Still Fat

Wed Jan 23, 2019

9:50am

Ok so I am 246lbs today. That is 5lbs down from yesterday, obviously water weight. I am ok with how I did (pertaining to food and exercise) last night.

I walked to my car after work instead of taking the shuttle bus. That’s only about a 15 min walk but it’s better than nothing right? Then went to the mall to grab a couple things and home. Did my Cher step workout (40 min.) which I really didn’t want to do. I was tired and just really didn’t feel like it, but got my fatass down to my basement and did it. It’s a fun workout, it’s from the early 90’s and I first started doing it in junior high. I still have it memorized and yes, it does get boring.

The step I have now is tiny and short, my dad is fixing me a nice wooden one made to the dimensions I want. I am super excited because as soon as I get this new step I can do different workouts. I feel like I have to stick to Cher on my tiny step because it’s so small and made of plastic, I seriously worry about the thing breaking under me and am not comfortable doing the jumps on it. I swear, one jump and the thing will crumble, clearly made for people far smaller than me.

Tonight I will do my yoga. I do the DDP yoga and its fun. Jesse got it 3 years ago and has never done it but I have been the whole time. I like it because it’s more focused on cardio and no meditation or anything like that. I can’t do meditation at all, actually makes me feel very sick and it kicks my panic in (I never said I was normal haha).

The kids (teens, my kids are 19 and 17), made sausages and perogies for dinner last night and it was so hard not to eat it with them. I had rice cake sandwiches. Almost passes for “real food”, I put mustard, mushrooms, low fat deli turkey, and fat free cheese. Sometimes I can trick myself into thinking it’s really a sandwich. Not too terrible. I really wanted a perogie, just one, they were baked not fried and they smelled divine and I was reading in my living room which is attached to the kitchen so they were seriously tempting me. Eventually I poured a glass of wine and went up to crochet.

I managed to stay within my “rules” yesterday. Total calories were 841, quite high. Sadly I found that my wine was way higher than I thought, I consumed 275 calories worth of wine with one glass! Guess I need to switch to something lower cal because that is just crazy, I mean the rice cake things with all the stuff were only 315cals, so 275 on wine is ridiculous, I could have had several perogies for that amount!

Getting up this morning was hard, I get up at 4am on Mon-Wed then at 445 on Thurs and Fri. Today it’s snowing like crazy. Would be such a great day to stay at home with some tea and a great book (or better yet the memoirs my dad wrote and gave us for Christmas). Alas, I have to make money so here I am at work, clearly not working. This is what unions are for no?

Let’s all cross our fingers, toes, and eyes that I stay away from the almonds and treats here in my work cupboard!

Its Been a While and I am Fatter Than Ever

Tues Jan 22, 2019

1:48pm

Let myself go. That is exactly what I have done. I am currently the largest that I have been in well over 12 years! 251lbs. 251 pounds of FAT. I am 5’8 so that is HUGE. I don’t even want to look up what my BMI is but I am sure it’s a disturbingly large number.

I am happy. This is the problem. Things with Jesse are so so good. He loves me completely no matter what I look like (see the problem?) and certainly no matter what I weigh. I turned 40 this year and I have found that a lot of my thinking has changed, I have really embraced being older and cant wait to be 50. With advanced age comes a lower metabolism so that doesn’t help either. Basically I am just happy, so happy that I forget to hate myself.

This morning seeing that number scared me. I feel like my face is all poofed up. I look like someone took a tire inflator and stuck it in my face. I take up all the space in my room today. Here I am at work, decided to be good today and keep to my low calorie limit and of course my parents came by my office to pick up my workout step (my dad is going to fix it for me) and they brought snacks for me : 2 oranges, 1 apple, roasted almonds, triscuits, cheese, and chocolate hazelnut cookies. FFS. Luckily haven’t touched the stuff and don’t plan to today.

So to combat this massive weight gain the plan is as follows:

• ·        1000 cals/day MAX, aim for lower
• ·        Work out 3 times per week (this is low balling but I don’t want to fail right off the bat)
• ·        Only liquids (tea or wine) after 6pm
• ·        No sweets for at least 1 week, to start (this one is going to be hard)

I will leave it at that for now. If I workout more and eat less then great. I just cant be this big. I CANT. 251 is such a crazy huge number, I am mortified to write it in here but I need some motivation or accountability or something.

My ring is being sized right now and if it were to come in today I don’t think it would even fit! I need to be pretty enough to match my ring. I have so many lovely clothes to wear if I could just LOSE WEIGHT. I need to remind myself that while I am loved and secure that doesn’t mean that I get to eat myself into an oblivion!

I was doing great in Nov/Dec. Managed to lose a bit but now I have gained back the 15lbs and more! I will attempt to write in here as often as I can to keep the momentum. Lets see how long my fat ass can keep this up.

Lardass 

Boots, Beads, and Blubbering

Thurs Sep 21, 2017
1:15pm

Last entry: yesterday

Last night was a big ol’ pity party at the Lardass residence. Are you sad you didn’t get an invite? You are, aren’t you.

We went tall boot shopping right after work, we hit a different Walmart first as we needed a couple of other things. I tried on a pair of “normal” boots and could not zip them up, this after getting a different pair on just fine the day before. Cue tears right there in the Walmart, Jesse looks so sad and I am an embarrassment. He convinces me to try the Show Company, so off we go, I am blubbering and thinking that I am such a jerk (poor poor pitiful me). The first pair doesn’t fit and I am ready now to just go home, he tells me to try this other pair and low and behold they fit, with room for jeans even. WTF. Sadly I looked at the price of these boots (150) and said fuck that.

I will wear the perfectly good pair of tall boots I have at home, I got them in the spring from Torrid (a fat people store), I spent 80$ on them and the only thing wrong is that they are big. Well so what, I can wear big clothes; I haven’t lost enough to warrant any big wardrobe changes. And how stupid of me to think that someone over 200lbs could fit into normal boots!

I tried so hard not to let it get me down, still today but I just can’t. I am SO angry at myself. I have been thinking about all of the time I wasted this summer, eating fries and burgers and chips and you name it. Everything I’ve eaten has drifted through my brain and it just wasn’t worth it. Had I stuck to my restriction I would be 20lbs lighter. But no, here I am, still over 200.

V came over last night to visit so I didn’t get to do my yoga. I will always take a visit from V; she is the best of friends and always makes me feel better. I did have 2 glasses of wine and when I started to feel fuzzy I panicked and ate a baked potato. I really don’t like feeling drunk, I worry that I might get sick (emetophobia) and so when I feel the booze I try to eat to make the feeling go away (one would think that I simply wouldn’t drink). I am alright with the potato, it was just a small one, only 113g (I weigh everything I can) so that was 152cals and 3 g of fat, I eat it cold with salt, so so good.

So that brings us to Lardass’s intake and weight:

Intake for yesterday was: 712 cals and 29g of fat (far too much fat, damned tortilla chips)

Weight today is 213lbs (2lbs down)

I got my period today which is nice because I have been PMS’ing like a fiend but it sucks because this effectively puts me “out of service” for my birthday. My periods are a whopping 8 days long (FML). But really, who cares. I can have sex any old time; I put so much importance on sex at certain times – anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas etc. I need to stop. It isn’t that important and really, I need to cut down on the things that upset me, I have become such a miserable cow.

Funny story for you, I make bracelets, just beading, very basic stuff. 2 of my mom’s bracelets broke and so she gave them to me to fix. It’s been a while since I have beaded so I thought I might be a bit slow but it was SO hard! I just couldn’t thread the stupid teeny tiny beads, the first bracelet took me 30min. and I used to be able to do one in 7 minutes! I left the other one for another day because I was just frustrated. I picked the second one up night before last and thought “just get it over with” and without thinking I picked up the string, clamped on the fastener and started beading, without issue, got about 6 beads threaded and realized “hey, this is super easy” and looked at my hands……..I was using the wrong hands the day before! I am very left hand dominant and so I guess holding the string in my right hand made it near impossible to thread but in my left it’s a walk in the park. Silly, silly Lardass. I was really laughing, which was needed.

This morning my mom unintentionally said something kind of hurtful. We were talking about what I want to do with my Birthday money and I said I want to spend it on apples at the apple fest, she said that’s the silliest thing, I asked her why and she said “because it will go in one end and right out the other and you will have nothing to show for it other than your waistline”. And can we all guess who got all teary eyed and toddlerish? You got it, this Lardass right here. She didn’t mean it in a bad way I am sure, she would be so upset if she knew what it sounded like to me. I should tell her, but blah, I am all emotional anyway and I don’t want to make her feel bad.

My office mate made a great point this morning while I was bitching about the boots, she says I have to quit calling things “fat people stuff”, like diet food, I refer to that as “fat people food” and plus sized clothes are “fat people clothes” and so on. This goes with referring to myself as Lardass, so negative and not at all kind. She is so right, I have to stop doing that, I really do, I have always been self-degrading, maybe it’s time for a change. Easy to say, hard to implement.

I think that I will make a new birthday goal since I won’t be able to achieve my earlier goal which was to be under 200. My birthday is in one week. My new goal will be to get to 209, 210 was my goal for my last trip and I did it but then gained back 10 during said trip. 4lbs in 7 days should be very achievable as long as I don’t fuck it up this weekend. I can do this, I will do this, I will not be a Lardass forever!! 

Gastric Bypass and 1105 calories

Wed Sep 20, 2017
3:00pm

Last entry: yesterday

Last night was ok. I ate way more calories than I wanted to but I still lost a pound so I guess I’ll take it.

Intake for yesterday was 1105cals (FUCK LARDASS!!) and 13g/fat, I weigh 215lbs.

I was so so hungry when I came home so I had a double portion of my rice and then decided it would be a good idea to eat a bloody wagon wheel, fuck. This is why fasting is dangerous for me; I have a nasty tendency to binge the next day. This was no binge and in fact I ate the extra rice to avoid a binge, I just wish that it wasn’t such a battle.

I went out for lunch with some girls here at work today but I wasn’t too bad. I got chips and salsa (I know, not the best thing) because it’s what I always (ALWAYS) get when I go to Moose’s, but this time I ate less than half and let the rest of the table pick at them. I feel very hungry right now so I am not very worried. I will skip dinner because even though I had less than half, there is still a shit ton of fat in those chips, not to mention calories.

M and C did come over last night. I did the beginner yoga with C and it made me feel so good. It showed me that I do have some improvement from when I started. I know that I have gotten more flexible but I forgot the beginner workout, and how it was when I started, doing it now was such a breeze. C had some trouble, she will be doing the beginner one for a while but she had fun, she laughed through it which is exactly what I do, DDP is so fricken funny. She did get stuck at one point on the floor and I had to help lift her up, I am grateful that even though I feel like Shamu, I am not that big, and I didn’t start that big and deconditioned. Thank gawd for small miracles. It was also nice to have someone be excited about it like I am; I love my DDPY so much.

I wonder if C thinks about weight loss surgery. She would qualify for sure. I know that I don’t qualify for gastric bypass but I bet I would for the Lapband. Let me be very clear here though, I do not want either of those things. I know that you still have to work to lose weight after both of those, they are just tools but man, having surgical permanent anorexia is basically what gastric bypass is and that is scary and tempting. With that Lapband, it’s not so final, they get filled and unfilled and even removed. To get around bypass you have to stretch your stomach out and risk a rupture. With the Lapband there comes something delightful called PB’ing (no, not peanut butter as I first thought), that stands for productive burping so basically barfing and I guess “sliming” is also a thing. That sounds awful. There are people who benefit from these things though and that is good, and somedays I wish I could get a band or bypassed, it would certainly help with nights like last night. There is never a binge day when I don’t wish I had something that would make it physically impossible for me to eat, what heaven that would be, but then, on days where my brain is functioning normally (hahaha, as if), I know I don’t want that and that I if I can’t do this on my own, then I must not deserve it, also I never ever want to know what sliming feels like.

What a rambly post this is. Tonight nothing planned except for trying to find me tall boots. I tried some on at the Walmart last night and glory be, they fit! As a Lardass it’s hard to find tall boots that fit over my sizeable calves. Last year was awful, I wasn’t quite big enough to warrant the wide boots but the normal ones were too small. This year the wide ones I wound up with last year are HUGE and there is no way I can wear them so this will be the first time in MANY moons that I can again fit into regular ones. So yeah, a little shop, then home so Jesse can have a nap before he goes off to work (he works 8pm-6am), then yoga, hopefully walk the dog and finish the last season of Outlander.

Wish me luck in not eating the kitchen tonight and thank you for reading my rambles.   

Tess Holliday and Peanut Butter

Tues Sep 19, 2017
1:15pm

Last entry: yesterday

Alright, yesterday was good on the weight loss front. I managed to complete a fast, I did 42 hrs. I made beignets and did my yoga so no sitting down until about 8:30pm.

Intake numbers were: 240cals and 17g of fat. High due to motherfucking peanut butter.

I am down 4lbs from yesterday (216). I am ok with that.

Yoga is really hard to do when empty. I find that my balance is crap. I also don’t feel like I get as much out of it. Makes sense really, your body can’t do much running on fumes but I really needed to have a fast day. I wasn’t going to do the yoga, just some baking and focus on not eating but the guilt got me and I felt like a flabby blob of lipidous nastiness so I did it. Fine except the one legged poses, so much harder when I am empty.

After I was done baking, Jesse wanted to watch a movie so we watch Bad Moms, silly movie. The time with him was so nice, we rarely watch things together as we have such different taste but lately he has been trying to get movies that we can watch together. He is trying and I am grateful. I got panic hungry after the movie though and in my moment of panic I had a peanut butter spoon. Those will be the death of me I swear. I am not counting it as wrecking my fast with the weak ass excuse that because I didn’t chew it, it counts as a liquid. I really have to find a way to keep myself from doing that, it’s so calorie and fat laden, not good for Lardass. Something to work on.

So far today I have had my chicory (awful coffee substitute drink) and my frozen green beans so that’s 90cals and 1g of fat. Dinner will be my rice (350 cals/3 g of fat) and then yoga. We have M and C coming over after dinner. C wants to try my yoga with me and that should be interesting. I will do my regular workout before she comes though because she needs to do “Beginner Beginner” which is meant for people who have trouble getting up and down off the floor. C fits that category, she is terribly overweight and has mobility issues and has sadly spent the past 6 months sitting at home on leave from work (her choice, she took a stress leave) and that has made her weight and fitness level much worse than even a year ago. I think it will be motivating to do the yoga with her (as bad as that makes me sound); looking at very large people helps me, not as much as the super skinny girls do, but there is something to be said for reverse motivation.

And there is the other thing – I have given myself some reverse motivation. I had Jesse hang a mirror in the room I do my yoga in and wow, it helps tremendously. I can finally see if I am actually doing the moves correctly but watching my fat rolls squish and jiggle about is really really spurring me on. In my head when I am working out I imagine myself looking like a pro doing the moves all svelte and strong, the mirror brings me back to reality and yeah, that helps. I don’t think I ever knew just how awful I look in certain positions, no wonder I don’t feel sexy. Jesse must be blind as a bat.

My birthday trip is 10 days from now so there is no chance in getting down to 200 by then. That means I will have another fat birthday (or rather a birthday while being Shamu), and this makes me sad. I wanted there to be a marked difference in how I looked from when we were on the island just 3 weeks ago, instead I will be the exact same. Fuck.

Only 9 days until my actual birthday. Birthdays are a lot like New Years to me. A time to reflect back on the year and look forward to the upcoming one. I can’t say that I am super happy about where I am in life at this age (turning 39 next week) but at the same time I am content. I am not married to a scary fuck anymore, my kids are secure and happy, I love my house (I bought it prior to knowing Jesse) and even my job. I do wish I had more money and was more confident in my relationship with Jesse but hey, things will never be perfect. The big looming cloud over me of course is the weight. I just don’t want to look like this but I have been saying that for so long.

 I see all of these body acceptance sites on Instagram and I know that I should be happy for these women. Tess Holliday is a good example; she not only accepts her body but glorifies it. She is very beautiful (face, hair) but I can’t help that knee jerk reaction of “whoa” when I see her pics. She is so very big and not at all what I am used to seeing as a model. I grew up with the glossy ads of women with flat “mom butts” in Levi’s and “cocaine” sized models so this is a transition for my old ass. She revels in her size and tells everyone she is the epitome of health, I don’t see how that can be true. How can you be that big and be healthy. New studies are all looking at this so I guess we will know if it’s actually possible. There is another one on there too, I think her name is Dany and she puts up many pics of herself jiggling around, dancing in her underwear and it’s so…….shocking. On one hand I am jealous of their confidence, I wish that I could see the beauty they do but I just don’t. I see them and think “see Lardass? This is what you look like” and I want to cry. I want to scream “you are everything I want to be” and “you need to stop eating STAT” all at the same time. I am a shitty human. I am a confused old lady and yet I insist on continuing to look at and follow them.

I need to get back to pretending to work, its slow here today.

Wish me luck in sticking to the plan tonight, it’s always so hard for me to keep control after a fast day, my body just wants me to eat and it’s hard to fight. Losing weight is always a battle, no matter how you do it. I think tomorrow I will talk about weight loss surgery, god I want it so bad.

Thanks for reading my ramble, here’s a pic of the beignets I made last night (but didn’t eat a bite of – YES).

I'm Lardass, Nice to Meet Ya!

Monday Sep 18, 2017
8:15am

I have another blog, one that I have been writing in for a couple of years.   

I began to feel guilty about all the personal stuff I had in there, especially about Jesse (my partner). I pondered about what to do and so I decided to make it private and start over with this. The other blog was also very negative and I won’t say that this blog will be full of sunshine and daisies but I will try to keep my bitching at the very least upbeat.

I do refer to myself as Lardass and that is ok. It is not as derogatory as it sounds, if I was the tattoo type I would probably have it tattooed somewhere on me lol.

Between Apr-Jun (this year, 2017) I lost 30lbs. Since Jun I have pretty much stayed the same, going up and down by about 5-10lbs. My start weight was 247 (Shamuuuuu), I am currently 220, which is maddening given I got to 210 in Aug. I need to get this going again.

My Birthday is in 10 days and I really wanted to be under 200 by then. That’s not happening.

To lose weight I am counting calories in my food journal which I keep very detailed info in. I weigh all of my food that comes from home and try to get as close as possible with counts when I eat out (which is rare). I do yoga, but it’s not like your average yoga. It is DDPY and its more cardio, I love it. Its very fun and I like how he yells at me to “STRETCH YEEEAAAAAHHHHH”. I have a cleaning company and so I clean a couple of evenings per week though I am down to just 2 regular clients now. I love to bake and that is how I keep busy on weekends. During the weekdays I am a secretary (at my desk currently), there are 2 girls in my office, one of which I like to think I am close with. She is lovely and I look up to her in a lot of ways. The other is brand new so I don’t know her well yet. I have been in this job for 15 years.

I am hoping to find some readers and get some support and motivation. Hopefully find a “diet buddy” or two.

I will still keep on posting pics and talking about my baking as well (like I would ever stop). I will talk about my personal life but try to shield Jesse like I do my kids, its more fair to him that way.

There are 3 boys, currently 20, 18 and 15. The oldest kid is Jesse’s from a previous woman and the middle and youngest are mine from my marriage. Oldest doesn’t live with us; he is just about to get into his own apartment. Middle kid is looking hard for a job and youngest is in the school play coming up, he has 2 years left until grad. So no little wee kids, for which I am very glad, I am happy to wait now a couple of years for grandkids. I am 38.

I have been divorced for 15 years now; my ex is a mean guy. Jesse has been living with us for over 8 years and we are a bit rocky right now but I do love him so much.

That’s really all there is to me.

I hope you enjoy reading!