Stuck

Thurs Jan 31, 2019

2:56pm

I didn’t have the noodles or take a nap 2 days ago. I went home and had a salad for dinner after doing some housework so that’s good.

I lost 1lb yesterday and another today, that’s good but I can always lose weight on weekdays, the true test will come this weekend.

I feel like such a failure. With lots of things. For sure with this weight, but also with other aspects of my life.

Work sucks right now, I have way too much work to do, and no one could be expected to handle this workload. My coworker (who I really like) is bored and often can watch TV while here. I run around and feel……invisible, not respected, not enough. I have been at this job for 16 years, at this desk for 12, which is a very long time. There are new people here, younger, but when new work comes it all gets put on me and I don’t get paid enough for that. My coworker is trying for another job and is all happy meanwhile, I am trapped. Yes, I could look for something else but the market is shit and I really really don’t want to take an admin job, I am more of a clinical sort. Stuck by my own choices.

Then there is the home life, I love Jesse but he is never ever going to be what I wanted. I have let lots of that go, but some of the things…..I feel I am worth. There is nothing really bad that I can say, just……well, stuck, again by my own choices.

What a whiny post, what a whiny Lardass. Enough for today.

Convo with a Crazy Bitch and Baking Pics

Tues Jan 29, 2019

11:35am

My brain is messing with me. I have been “dieting” off and on (see the problem yet?) for as long as I can remember. The last time I was quite successful with restriction was well over 8 years ago now. That is when I started gaining. I am now a whale and my brain and body fight me whenever I try to restrict. I have had many measly attempts to lose since then always resulting in gaining it right back. 

It’s not even lunch hour and all I have been thinking about since I got to work is “can I get away with eating crap today”. I know I can’t. I know that if I do then it will be days before I have control back and I will be back to 250 (am 245 today, not much fucking better). But my head is screaming, my body is making me feel sick to try to get me to eat. All of this restrict, then binge, then restrict is making me feel like ass (and look like one too).

I managed to hurt my knee this weekend. I went a little too crazy with my workouts and now my one leg is swollen below the knee and my knee feels oddly numb. This, of course, means that I have taken off the past couple of days from my workouts. What a lazy sham I am. My knee hurts because it has to carry around 250lbs of FAT! I should just work through it. Jesse says that I need to rest it, and not push myself because “you aren’t 20 anymore, the body takes longer to heal now”. I agree with him but in the back of my head its screaming “excuses excuses, you are a Lardass and this is how you stay that way”.

I want a lobotomy…..I wonder how much my brain weighs.

I am very tired. I desperately want to go home, make ramen noodles, turn on a show, and take a nap. The nap part is ok, though not the best thing for a whale to do, but the noodles….. they have a surprisingly high calorie/fat count, not to mention salt. I know that I “shouldn’t”. Part of my head says “just eat the noodles, you are never ever going to lose weight again anyways so why try?” and at the very same time another part says “listening to that voice is why you are a cow, don’t fucking eat”. I feel crazy today.

I will walk to my car from work, we have shuttle busses to take us but it’s only about a 20min. walk. I will do that for sure. When I get home if I really must have something then I can have the plain chicken broth and lie down for a minute. I doubt I will actually sleep, I can only truly sleep during the day if I am sick.

See that? Look what I just did. I just said “if I really must have something...” bitch, why are you letting your body control you? What has it done for you lately that is good? Nothing? Ok then, go home, have a hot cup of tea (herbal and black) and sit on your ass if you must. If I start to feel like I am allowed to eat then I will sort the laundry, if I still want to eat then I will make some cookies to keep in the freezer. I am able (oddly) to leave my baking alone, the one thing that I seem to be able to control (food wise).

I do love baking. In fact I did some baking last night. I made jelly filled powdered donuts for my dad (along with an apple pie which I made this weekend). Here are some pics:

I hope whomever is reading this is in a better place than I am today. Let’s see how good I can be tonight.

Big Fat Failure

Mon Jan 28, 2019

11:34am

Failure. That is the roll I played all weekend.

Everything feels wrong today. Maybe it’s because I spent the weekend justifying eating shit that I shouldn’t have. I use Jesse as an excuse to eat, that needs to stop. Work sucks, my dryer is broken and a new one won’t come for about 2 weeks, my favorite coworker might be leaving, and its only Monday.

The weight definitely gave this morning a bad start, I am such a sillydumbbitch. It’s like I forget what a manatee I am on weekends, then Monday comes and I realize what I have done all weekend and am so…..pissed? Broken? Disappointed? This must be what a binge drinker feels like.

I ate so much crap that I feel like crap. My body must be so confused, starve, eat, starve, eat. JUST PICK ONE LARDASS!!

I don’t have anything positive to say today so we will just end it here. Fuck Mondays.

Fish Burgers and Curly Fries

Fri Jan 25, 2019

12:30pm

It happened just like I said it would. I am up 1lb so today I weigh in at 242lbs (GROSS), and I am feeling like a big fat failure.

The total cals for yesterday was high, 917.

Despite this being high, I am slightly proud. There were fries and fish sticks in my kitchen and I didn’t touch one. I really really wanted to binge. Instead I calmed myself, looked in the mirror and had popcorn. Not the best snack I know, but better than herb and garlic potato wedges which is what I wanted.

I really find that the mirror is my best tool. Nothing like looking at all of the extra fat all lumpy all over myself to ruin an appetite. I will keep this trick, it really helps me.

I am worried about tonight though. It is date night with Jesse. We were supposed to have this date night last weekend but we ended up at my nephew’s hockey game and then went to Montana’s with my family. Tonight both the boys will be gone so Jesse wants to make our fun dinner (the one we were to have last weekend) and watch movies on Netflix. Sounds divine doesn’t it?  Of course the dinner is the problem. Fish burgers and curly fries. I have already looked up the calorie count and it should be roughly 600cals for the burger (with bun and toppings) and then curly fries will be 300cals for 100g. I will need to weigh the fries. Jesse also got us these frozen cheesecake bites (god help me) and he is so excited.

I am really craving this dinner. It has sounded good since last week and my mouth practically waters just thinking about it. I am SO hungry right now, still haven’t touched the crackers and nuts from mom (which she dropped off here at work earlier this week) but I did eat the 2 babybell cheeses. This does not bode well. All of this – unreasonable hunger, looking so forward to dinner etc. is all indicative of an impending binge. I can feel it. It is so hard right now not to eat the crackers and nuts. I have written the calorie count right on the bags and that has kept me away thus far.

I have planned to do a good step workout after work (on my new step yay), but first we have to take the youngest kid to the mall, then hit the grocery store. By the time we get home it will be close to 5 and by then I will be seriously hungry. It will be so tempting to come home and just cook and sit on my butt with Jesse. He certainly would love that. There is nothing that I can do (baring not eating) to keep my calorie count low today (especially given I am already at 277cals, fucking cheese), so it’s imperative that I work out.

Jesse is supportive of whatever I want to do. I know that I could go home and say “I am not eating fish burgers tonight, I am having diet food” and he would be ok. But I know he would be sad. He enjoys spending time with me and having “fun food”. I don’t want to disappoint him. I will just have to force myself to do the step workout and workout double tomorrow (also cut my cals in half to make up for tonight). Yeah, maybe if I keep my calories super low tomorrow then I won’t feel like such a failure.

Am I just using Jesse as an excuse to eat? Sure feels like it. Fuck. I really will never be pretty if I keep this up. Maybe I should modify, have the burger without the bun (the bun is higher cal than the fish) and no cheese (like I need it) and I can just skip the fries altogether. One little piece of dessert. I just need to make Jesse feel like I am joining him. I can eat very slowly and just cut the portion right down. I will do my best. I can do this, I have to do this. No one wants to be a Lardass, I need to be defined by something other than this huge, nasty, gut of mine.

Weekends are so hard for dieting for me.

Biscuit Lies

Thursday Jan 24, 2019

12:25pm

Yesterday went very well food and exercise wise. I managed to do 30min of yoga then 45min of Zumba. My total calories for the day were 620. That makes me happy but I found out something last night that rather pissed me off.

Years ago (2005 to be exact), I read this ana blog that had a recipe for these diet biscuits. They are super simple, 1c flour, 1c unsweetened apple sauce, 1TBSP of baking powder, mix and bake. She said that one of these had only 46 calories in it. So I have been making them for years, counting one as 50cals. Last night I decided I wanted to be very precise and so I looked up the ingredients and added it all together…..600 calories for the whole batch which is about 150-200cals for 1, not 50. I feel cheated. I feel dumb. I should have checked myself. Maybe she was using a different kind of flour? End result is that my beloved biscuits are no longer the option they were. 1 piece of bread has less calories, so why make the biscuits. I honestly feel sad about this, I love those damned things. I would often put mustard and mushrooms, or salsa and mushrooms (I eat mushrooms with most everything) in the batter and that made the best meal. But 600 is way too high. Fucking hell, and fucking Lardass for not checking sooner.

Was very proud of my workouts last night. I really didn’t want to do my yoga, like really really. One close look in the mirror got me motivated to get downstairs and I nailed my yoga, but when it was done I didn’t feel like I had sweat enough so I did my Zumba and ended up having a much longer workout. Way to go fatty! It’s good to remember how accomplished I feel when I work out on a day that I don’t feel like it, like I have overcome something.

Will have to be careful tonight. My weight this morning was 241lbs. That is 10lbs down in 2 days, so I know its water and I also know I am likely to gain today no matter what I do (stupid water weight). I am telling myself its ok, you know 10lbs in 48 hrs. isn’t real fat loss, as long as I don’t go back to 250 its ok, but I know that I will be disappointed with myself tomorrow if there is no loss. I am completely unreasonable.

Busy at work today, I am not enjoying my job lately. There will be a new girl coming into my office and that will change the dynamics of my office. Currently it’s just me and C, she is awesome. I really look up to her, she is very compassionate and kind. We have had it lovely just the two of us and now we have this other girl coming and our office won’t be the same. I don’t do well with change and really loved my office with just us. We knew it was coming and this girl is supposed to be helping me (that’s great), but still, I will mourn our lovely office space. I do need some help though, I have a bigger workload than any other girls on my floor and I am too old and senior for that. Shouldn’t my workload be slowing down? It’s been 16 years and they just keep adding to my plate. At least I have a job and I ought to quit bitching.  

Ok, I have some work to do, lives to save and all that. Thanks for reading and wish me luck in not eating the Doritos that are currently in my pantry (kids thought they were being nice getting me chips, sweet stupid boys, I love them).

Still Fat

Wed Jan 23, 2019

9:50am

Ok so I am 246lbs today. That is 5lbs down from yesterday, obviously water weight. I am ok with how I did (pertaining to food and exercise) last night.

I walked to my car after work instead of taking the shuttle bus. That’s only about a 15 min walk but it’s better than nothing right? Then went to the mall to grab a couple things and home. Did my Cher step workout (40 min.) which I really didn’t want to do. I was tired and just really didn’t feel like it, but got my fatass down to my basement and did it. It’s a fun workout, it’s from the early 90’s and I first started doing it in junior high. I still have it memorized and yes, it does get boring.

The step I have now is tiny and short, my dad is fixing me a nice wooden one made to the dimensions I want. I am super excited because as soon as I get this new step I can do different workouts. I feel like I have to stick to Cher on my tiny step because it’s so small and made of plastic, I seriously worry about the thing breaking under me and am not comfortable doing the jumps on it. I swear, one jump and the thing will crumble, clearly made for people far smaller than me.

Tonight I will do my yoga. I do the DDP yoga and its fun. Jesse got it 3 years ago and has never done it but I have been the whole time. I like it because it’s more focused on cardio and no meditation or anything like that. I can’t do meditation at all, actually makes me feel very sick and it kicks my panic in (I never said I was normal haha).

The kids (teens, my kids are 19 and 17), made sausages and perogies for dinner last night and it was so hard not to eat it with them. I had rice cake sandwiches. Almost passes for “real food”, I put mustard, mushrooms, low fat deli turkey, and fat free cheese. Sometimes I can trick myself into thinking it’s really a sandwich. Not too terrible. I really wanted a perogie, just one, they were baked not fried and they smelled divine and I was reading in my living room which is attached to the kitchen so they were seriously tempting me. Eventually I poured a glass of wine and went up to crochet.

I managed to stay within my “rules” yesterday. Total calories were 841, quite high. Sadly I found that my wine was way higher than I thought, I consumed 275 calories worth of wine with one glass! Guess I need to switch to something lower cal because that is just crazy, I mean the rice cake things with all the stuff were only 315cals, so 275 on wine is ridiculous, I could have had several perogies for that amount!

Getting up this morning was hard, I get up at 4am on Mon-Wed then at 445 on Thurs and Fri. Today it’s snowing like crazy. Would be such a great day to stay at home with some tea and a great book (or better yet the memoirs my dad wrote and gave us for Christmas). Alas, I have to make money so here I am at work, clearly not working. This is what unions are for no?

Let’s all cross our fingers, toes, and eyes that I stay away from the almonds and treats here in my work cupboard!

Its Been a While and I am Fatter Than Ever

Tues Jan 22, 2019

1:48pm

Let myself go. That is exactly what I have done. I am currently the largest that I have been in well over 12 years! 251lbs. 251 pounds of FAT. I am 5’8 so that is HUGE. I don’t even want to look up what my BMI is but I am sure it’s a disturbingly large number.

I am happy. This is the problem. Things with Jesse are so so good. He loves me completely no matter what I look like (see the problem?) and certainly no matter what I weigh. I turned 40 this year and I have found that a lot of my thinking has changed, I have really embraced being older and cant wait to be 50. With advanced age comes a lower metabolism so that doesn’t help either. Basically I am just happy, so happy that I forget to hate myself.

This morning seeing that number scared me. I feel like my face is all poofed up. I look like someone took a tire inflator and stuck it in my face. I take up all the space in my room today. Here I am at work, decided to be good today and keep to my low calorie limit and of course my parents came by my office to pick up my workout step (my dad is going to fix it for me) and they brought snacks for me : 2 oranges, 1 apple, roasted almonds, triscuits, cheese, and chocolate hazelnut cookies. FFS. Luckily haven’t touched the stuff and don’t plan to today.

So to combat this massive weight gain the plan is as follows:

• ·        1000 cals/day MAX, aim for lower
• ·        Work out 3 times per week (this is low balling but I don’t want to fail right off the bat)
• ·        Only liquids (tea or wine) after 6pm
• ·        No sweets for at least 1 week, to start (this one is going to be hard)

I will leave it at that for now. If I workout more and eat less then great. I just cant be this big. I CANT. 251 is such a crazy huge number, I am mortified to write it in here but I need some motivation or accountability or something.

My ring is being sized right now and if it were to come in today I don’t think it would even fit! I need to be pretty enough to match my ring. I have so many lovely clothes to wear if I could just LOSE WEIGHT. I need to remind myself that while I am loved and secure that doesn’t mean that I get to eat myself into an oblivion!

I was doing great in Nov/Dec. Managed to lose a bit but now I have gained back the 15lbs and more! I will attempt to write in here as often as I can to keep the momentum. Lets see how long my fat ass can keep this up.

Lardass