1:15pm
Last entry: yesterday
Alright, yesterday was good on the weight loss front. I
managed to complete a fast, I did 42 hrs. I made beignets and did my yoga so no
sitting down until about 8:30pm.
Intake numbers were: 240cals and 17g of fat. High due to
motherfucking peanut butter.
I am down 4lbs from yesterday (216). I am ok with that.
Yoga is really hard to do when empty. I find that my balance
is crap. I also don’t feel like I get as much out of it. Makes sense really,
your body can’t do much running on fumes but I really needed to have a fast
day. I wasn’t going to do the yoga, just some baking and focus on not eating
but the guilt got me and I felt like a flabby blob of lipidous nastiness so I
did it. Fine except the one legged poses, so much harder when I am empty.
After I was done baking, Jesse wanted to watch a movie so we
watch Bad Moms, silly movie. The time with him was so nice, we rarely watch
things together as we have such different taste but lately he has been trying
to get movies that we can watch together. He is trying and I am grateful. I got
panic hungry after the movie though and in my moment of panic I had a peanut
butter spoon. Those will be the death of me I swear. I am not counting it as
wrecking my fast with the weak ass excuse that because I didn’t chew it, it
counts as a liquid. I really have to find a way to keep myself from doing that,
it’s so calorie and fat laden, not good for Lardass. Something to work on.
So far today I have had my chicory (awful coffee substitute drink)
and my frozen green beans so that’s 90cals and 1g of fat. Dinner will be my
rice (350 cals/3 g of fat) and then yoga. We have M and C coming over after
dinner. C wants to try my yoga with me and that should be interesting. I will
do my regular workout before she comes though because she needs to do “Beginner
Beginner” which is meant for people who have trouble getting up and down off
the floor. C fits that category, she is terribly overweight and has mobility
issues and has sadly spent the past 6 months sitting at home on leave from work
(her choice, she took a stress leave) and that has made her weight and fitness
level much worse than even a year ago. I think it will be motivating to do the
yoga with her (as bad as that makes me sound); looking at very large people
helps me, not as much as the super skinny girls do, but there is something to
be said for reverse motivation.
And there is the other thing – I have given myself some
reverse motivation. I had Jesse hang a mirror in the room I do my yoga in and
wow, it helps tremendously. I can finally see if I am actually doing the moves
correctly but watching my fat rolls squish and jiggle about is really really
spurring me on. In my head when I am working out I imagine myself looking like
a pro doing the moves all svelte and strong, the mirror brings me back to
reality and yeah, that helps. I don’t think I ever knew just how awful I look
in certain positions, no wonder I don’t feel sexy. Jesse must be blind as a
bat.
My birthday trip is 10 days from now so there is no chance
in getting down to 200 by then. That means I will have another fat birthday (or
rather a birthday while being Shamu), and this makes me sad. I wanted there to
be a marked difference in how I looked from when we were on the island just 3
weeks ago, instead I will be the exact same. Fuck.
Only 9 days until my actual birthday. Birthdays are a lot like
New Years to me. A time to reflect back on the year and look forward to the
upcoming one. I can’t say that I am super happy about where I am in life at
this age (turning 39 next week) but at the same time I am content. I am not
married to a scary fuck anymore, my kids are secure and happy, I love my house
(I bought it prior to knowing Jesse) and even my job. I do wish I had more
money and was more confident in my relationship with Jesse but hey, things will
never be perfect. The big looming cloud over me of course is the weight. I just
don’t want to look like this but I have been saying that for so long.
I see all of these
body acceptance sites on Instagram and I know that I should be happy for these
women. Tess Holliday is a good example; she not only accepts her body but
glorifies it. She is very beautiful (face, hair) but I can’t help that knee
jerk reaction of “whoa” when I see her pics. She is so very big and not at all
what I am used to seeing as a model. I grew up with the glossy ads of women
with flat “mom butts” in Levi’s and “cocaine” sized models so this is a
transition for my old ass. She revels in her size and tells everyone she is the
epitome of health, I don’t see how that can be true. How can you be that big
and be healthy. New studies are all looking at this so I guess we will know if it’s
actually possible. There is another one on there too, I think her name is Dany
and she puts up many pics of herself jiggling around, dancing in her underwear
and it’s so…….shocking. On one hand I am jealous of their confidence, I wish
that I could see the beauty they do but I just don’t. I see them and think “see
Lardass? This is what you look like” and I want to cry. I want to scream “you
are everything I want to be” and “you need to stop eating STAT” all at the same
time. I am a shitty human. I am a confused old lady and yet I insist on
continuing to look at and follow them.
I need to get back to pretending to work, its slow here
today.
Wish me luck in sticking to the plan tonight, it’s always so
hard for me to keep control after a fast day, my body just wants me to eat and it’s
hard to fight. Losing weight is always a battle, no matter how you do it. I
think tomorrow I will talk about weight loss surgery, god I want it so bad.
Thanks for reading my ramble, here’s a pic of the beignets I
made last night (but didn’t eat a bite of – YES).
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