Fish Burgers and Curly Fries

Fri Jan 25, 2019

12:30pm

It happened just like I said it would. I am up 1lb so today I weigh in at 242lbs (GROSS), and I am feeling like a big fat failure.

The total cals for yesterday was high, 917.

Despite this being high, I am slightly proud. There were fries and fish sticks in my kitchen and I didn’t touch one. I really really wanted to binge. Instead I calmed myself, looked in the mirror and had popcorn. Not the best snack I know, but better than herb and garlic potato wedges which is what I wanted.

I really find that the mirror is my best tool. Nothing like looking at all of the extra fat all lumpy all over myself to ruin an appetite. I will keep this trick, it really helps me.

I am worried about tonight though. It is date night with Jesse. We were supposed to have this date night last weekend but we ended up at my nephew’s hockey game and then went to Montana’s with my family. Tonight both the boys will be gone so Jesse wants to make our fun dinner (the one we were to have last weekend) and watch movies on Netflix. Sounds divine doesn’t it?  Of course the dinner is the problem. Fish burgers and curly fries. I have already looked up the calorie count and it should be roughly 600cals for the burger (with bun and toppings) and then curly fries will be 300cals for 100g. I will need to weigh the fries. Jesse also got us these frozen cheesecake bites (god help me) and he is so excited.

I am really craving this dinner. It has sounded good since last week and my mouth practically waters just thinking about it. I am SO hungry right now, still haven’t touched the crackers and nuts from mom (which she dropped off here at work earlier this week) but I did eat the 2 babybell cheeses. This does not bode well. All of this – unreasonable hunger, looking so forward to dinner etc. is all indicative of an impending binge. I can feel it. It is so hard right now not to eat the crackers and nuts. I have written the calorie count right on the bags and that has kept me away thus far.

I have planned to do a good step workout after work (on my new step yay), but first we have to take the youngest kid to the mall, then hit the grocery store. By the time we get home it will be close to 5 and by then I will be seriously hungry. It will be so tempting to come home and just cook and sit on my butt with Jesse. He certainly would love that. There is nothing that I can do (baring not eating) to keep my calorie count low today (especially given I am already at 277cals, fucking cheese), so it’s imperative that I work out.

Jesse is supportive of whatever I want to do. I know that I could go home and say “I am not eating fish burgers tonight, I am having diet food” and he would be ok. But I know he would be sad. He enjoys spending time with me and having “fun food”. I don’t want to disappoint him. I will just have to force myself to do the step workout and workout double tomorrow (also cut my cals in half to make up for tonight). Yeah, maybe if I keep my calories super low tomorrow then I won’t feel like such a failure.

Am I just using Jesse as an excuse to eat? Sure feels like it. Fuck. I really will never be pretty if I keep this up. Maybe I should modify, have the burger without the bun (the bun is higher cal than the fish) and no cheese (like I need it) and I can just skip the fries altogether. One little piece of dessert. I just need to make Jesse feel like I am joining him. I can eat very slowly and just cut the portion right down. I will do my best. I can do this, I have to do this. No one wants to be a Lardass, I need to be defined by something other than this huge, nasty, gut of mine.

Weekends are so hard for dieting for me.