3:00pm
Last entry: yesterday
Last night was ok. I ate way more calories than I wanted to
but I still lost a pound so I guess I’ll take it.
Intake for yesterday was 1105cals (FUCK LARDASS!!) and
13g/fat, I weigh 215lbs.
I was so so hungry when I came home so I had a double
portion of my rice and then decided it would be a good idea to eat a bloody
wagon wheel, fuck. This is why fasting is dangerous for me; I have a nasty
tendency to binge the next day. This was no binge and in fact I ate the extra
rice to avoid a binge, I just wish that it wasn’t such a battle.
I went out for lunch with some girls here at work today but
I wasn’t too bad. I got chips and salsa (I know, not the best thing) because it’s
what I always (ALWAYS) get when I go to Moose’s, but this time I ate less than
half and let the rest of the table pick at them. I feel very hungry right now
so I am not very worried. I will skip dinner because even though I had less than
half, there is still a shit ton of fat in those chips, not to mention calories.
M and C did come over last night. I did the beginner yoga
with C and it made me feel so good. It showed me that I do have some
improvement from when I started. I know that I have gotten more flexible but I
forgot the beginner workout, and how it was when I started, doing it now was
such a breeze. C had some trouble, she will be doing the beginner one for a
while but she had fun, she laughed through it which is exactly what I do, DDP
is so fricken funny. She did get stuck at one point on the floor and I had to
help lift her up, I am grateful that even though I feel like Shamu, I am not
that big, and I didn’t start that big and deconditioned. Thank gawd for small
miracles. It was also nice to have someone be excited about it like I am; I
love my DDPY so much.
I wonder if C thinks about weight loss surgery. She would
qualify for sure. I know that I don’t qualify for gastric bypass but I bet I
would for the Lapband. Let me be very clear here though, I do not want either
of those things. I know that you still have to work to lose weight after both
of those, they are just tools but man, having surgical permanent anorexia is
basically what gastric bypass is and that is scary and tempting. With that
Lapband, it’s not so final, they get filled and unfilled and even removed. To
get around bypass you have to stretch your stomach out and risk a rupture. With
the Lapband there comes something delightful called PB’ing (no, not peanut
butter as I first thought), that stands for productive burping so basically
barfing and I guess “sliming” is also a thing. That sounds awful. There are
people who benefit from these things though and that is good, and somedays I
wish I could get a band or bypassed, it would certainly help with nights like
last night. There is never a binge day when I don’t wish I had something that
would make it physically impossible for me to eat, what heaven that would be,
but then, on days where my brain is functioning normally (hahaha, as if), I
know I don’t want that and that I if I can’t do this on my own, then I must not
deserve it, also I never ever want to know what sliming feels like.
What a rambly post this is. Tonight nothing planned except
for trying to find me tall boots. I tried some on at the Walmart last night and
glory be, they fit! As a Lardass it’s hard to find tall boots that fit over my
sizeable calves. Last year was awful, I wasn’t quite big enough to warrant the
wide boots but the normal ones were too small. This year the wide ones I wound
up with last year are HUGE and there is no way I can wear them so this will be the
first time in MANY moons that I can again fit into regular ones. So yeah, a
little shop, then home so Jesse can have a nap before he goes off to work (he
works 8pm-6am), then yoga, hopefully walk the dog and finish the last season of
Outlander.
Wish me luck in not eating the kitchen tonight and thank you
for reading my rambles.
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