1:15pm
Last entry: yesterday
Last night was a big ol’ pity party at the Lardass
residence. Are you sad you didn’t get an invite? You are, aren’t you.
We went tall boot shopping right after work, we hit a different
Walmart first as we needed a couple of other things. I tried on a pair of “normal”
boots and could not zip them up, this after getting a different pair on just
fine the day before. Cue tears right there in the Walmart, Jesse looks so sad
and I am an embarrassment. He convinces me to try the Show Company, so off we
go, I am blubbering and thinking that I am such a jerk (poor poor pitiful me).
The first pair doesn’t fit and I am ready now to just go home, he tells me to
try this other pair and low and behold they fit, with room for jeans even. WTF.
Sadly I looked at the price of these boots (150) and said fuck that.
I will wear the perfectly good pair of tall boots I have at
home, I got them in the spring from Torrid (a fat people store), I spent 80$ on
them and the only thing wrong is that they are big. Well so what, I can wear
big clothes; I haven’t lost enough to warrant any big wardrobe changes. And how
stupid of me to think that someone over 200lbs could fit into normal boots!
I tried so hard not to let it get me down, still today but I
just can’t. I am SO angry at myself. I have been thinking about all of the time
I wasted this summer, eating fries and burgers and chips and you name it.
Everything I’ve eaten has drifted through my brain and it just wasn’t worth it.
Had I stuck to my restriction I would be 20lbs lighter. But no, here I am,
still over 200.
V came over last night to visit so I didn’t get to do my
yoga. I will always take a visit from V; she is the best of friends and always
makes me feel better. I did have 2 glasses of wine and when I started to feel
fuzzy I panicked and ate a baked potato. I really don’t like feeling drunk, I
worry that I might get sick (emetophobia) and so when I feel the booze I try to
eat to make the feeling go away (one would think that I simply wouldn’t drink).
I am alright with the potato, it was just a small one, only 113g (I weigh everything
I can) so that was 152cals and 3 g of fat, I eat it cold with salt, so so good.
So that brings us to Lardass’s intake and weight:
Intake for yesterday was: 712 cals and 29g of fat (far too
much fat, damned tortilla chips)
Weight today is 213lbs (2lbs down)
I got my period today which is nice because I have been PMS’ing
like a fiend but it sucks because this effectively puts me “out of service” for
my birthday. My periods are a whopping 8 days long (FML). But really, who
cares. I can have sex any old time; I put so much importance on sex at certain
times – anniversaries, birthdays, Christmas etc. I need to stop. It isn’t that
important and really, I need to cut down on the things that upset me, I have
become such a miserable cow.
Funny story for you, I make bracelets, just beading, very
basic stuff. 2 of my mom’s bracelets broke and so she gave them to me to fix. It’s
been a while since I have beaded so I thought I might be a bit slow but it was
SO hard! I just couldn’t thread the stupid teeny tiny beads, the first bracelet
took me 30min. and I used to be able to do one in 7 minutes! I left the other
one for another day because I was just frustrated. I picked the second one up
night before last and thought “just get it over with” and without thinking I
picked up the string, clamped on the fastener and started beading, without
issue, got about 6 beads threaded and realized “hey, this is super easy” and
looked at my hands……..I was using the wrong hands the day before! I am very
left hand dominant and so I guess holding the string in my right hand made it
near impossible to thread but in my left it’s a walk in the park. Silly, silly
Lardass. I was really laughing, which was needed.
This morning my mom unintentionally said something kind of
hurtful. We were talking about what I want to do with my Birthday money and I said
I want to spend it on apples at the apple fest, she said that’s the silliest
thing, I asked her why and she said “because it will go in one end and right
out the other and you will have nothing to show for it other than your
waistline”. And can we all guess who got all teary eyed and toddlerish? You got
it, this Lardass right here. She didn’t mean it in a bad way I am sure, she
would be so upset if she knew what it sounded like to me. I should tell her,
but blah, I am all emotional anyway and I don’t want to make her feel bad.
My office mate made a great point this morning while I was
bitching about the boots, she says I have to quit calling things “fat people
stuff”, like diet food, I refer to that as “fat people food” and plus sized
clothes are “fat people clothes” and so on. This goes with referring to myself
as Lardass, so negative and not at all kind. She is so right, I have to stop
doing that, I really do, I have always been self-degrading, maybe it’s time for
a change. Easy to say, hard to implement.
I think that I will make a new birthday goal since I won’t
be able to achieve my earlier goal which was to be under 200. My birthday is in
one week. My new goal will be to get to 209, 210 was my goal for my last trip
and I did it but then gained back 10 during said trip. 4lbs in 7 days should be
very achievable as long as I don’t fuck it up this weekend. I can do this, I
will do this, I will not be a Lardass forever!!
No comments:
Post a Comment