Its Been a While and I am Fatter Than Ever

Tues Jan 22, 2019

1:48pm

Let myself go. That is exactly what I have done. I am currently the largest that I have been in well over 12 years! 251lbs. 251 pounds of FAT. I am 5’8 so that is HUGE. I don’t even want to look up what my BMI is but I am sure it’s a disturbingly large number.

I am happy. This is the problem. Things with Jesse are so so good. He loves me completely no matter what I look like (see the problem?) and certainly no matter what I weigh. I turned 40 this year and I have found that a lot of my thinking has changed, I have really embraced being older and cant wait to be 50. With advanced age comes a lower metabolism so that doesn’t help either. Basically I am just happy, so happy that I forget to hate myself.

This morning seeing that number scared me. I feel like my face is all poofed up. I look like someone took a tire inflator and stuck it in my face. I take up all the space in my room today. Here I am at work, decided to be good today and keep to my low calorie limit and of course my parents came by my office to pick up my workout step (my dad is going to fix it for me) and they brought snacks for me : 2 oranges, 1 apple, roasted almonds, triscuits, cheese, and chocolate hazelnut cookies. FFS. Luckily haven’t touched the stuff and don’t plan to today.

So to combat this massive weight gain the plan is as follows:

• ·        1000 cals/day MAX, aim for lower
• ·        Work out 3 times per week (this is low balling but I don’t want to fail right off the bat)
• ·        Only liquids (tea or wine) after 6pm
• ·        No sweets for at least 1 week, to start (this one is going to be hard)

I will leave it at that for now. If I workout more and eat less then great. I just cant be this big. I CANT. 251 is such a crazy huge number, I am mortified to write it in here but I need some motivation or accountability or something.

My ring is being sized right now and if it were to come in today I don’t think it would even fit! I need to be pretty enough to match my ring. I have so many lovely clothes to wear if I could just LOSE WEIGHT. I need to remind myself that while I am loved and secure that doesn’t mean that I get to eat myself into an oblivion!

I was doing great in Nov/Dec. Managed to lose a bit but now I have gained back the 15lbs and more! I will attempt to write in here as often as I can to keep the momentum. Lets see how long my fat ass can keep this up.

Lardass