Tues Jan 29, 2019
11:35am
My brain is messing with me. I have been “dieting” off
and on (see the problem yet?) for as long as I can remember. The last time I
was quite successful with restriction was well over 8 years ago now. That is
when I started gaining. I am now a whale and my brain and body fight me
whenever I try to restrict. I have had many measly attempts to lose since then always resulting in gaining it right back.
It’s not even lunch hour and all I have been thinking
about since I got to work is “can I get away with eating crap today”. I know I can’t.
I know that if I do then it will be days before I have control back and I will
be back to 250 (am 245 today, not much fucking better). But my head is
screaming, my body is making me feel sick to try to get me to eat. All of this
restrict, then binge, then restrict is making me feel like ass (and look like
one too).
I managed to hurt my knee this weekend. I went a little
too crazy with my workouts and now my one leg is swollen below the knee and my
knee feels oddly numb. This, of course, means that I have taken off the past
couple of days from my workouts. What a lazy sham I am. My knee hurts because
it has to carry around 250lbs of FAT! I should just work through it. Jesse says
that I need to rest it, and not push myself because “you aren’t 20 anymore, the
body takes longer to heal now”. I agree with him but in the back of my head its
screaming “excuses excuses, you are a Lardass and this is how you stay that way”.
I want a lobotomy…..I wonder how much my brain weighs.
I am very tired. I desperately want to go home, make
ramen noodles, turn on a show, and take a nap. The nap part is ok, though not the
best thing for a whale to do, but the noodles….. they have a surprisingly high
calorie/fat count, not to mention salt. I know that I “shouldn’t”. Part of my
head says “just eat the noodles, you are never ever going to lose weight again
anyways so why try?” and at the very same time another part says “listening to
that voice is why you are a cow, don’t fucking eat”. I feel crazy today.
I will walk to my car from work, we have shuttle busses
to take us but it’s only about a 20min. walk. I will do that for sure. When I
get home if I really must have something then I can have the plain chicken
broth and lie down for a minute. I doubt I will actually sleep, I can only truly
sleep during the day if I am sick.
See that? Look what I just did. I just said “if I really
must have something...” bitch, why are you letting your body control you? What
has it done for you lately that is good? Nothing? Ok then, go home, have a hot
cup of tea (herbal and black) and sit on your ass if you must. If I start to
feel like I am allowed to eat then I will sort the laundry, if I still want to
eat then I will make some cookies to keep in the freezer. I am able (oddly) to
leave my baking alone, the one thing that I seem to be able to control (food
wise).
I do love baking. In fact I did some baking last night. I
made jelly filled powdered donuts for my dad (along with an apple pie which I made
this weekend). Here are some pics:
I hope whomever is reading this is in a better place than
I am today. Let’s see how good I can be tonight.
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